A Semblance of a Routine

 

We all have our own stories and journeys that led us to this class and college in general. Mine has been herky-jerky at best. I’m finally finding my rhythm with this whole back to school thing and it feels good. (Knock on wood) 

Even before the lockdown, I was in chronic depression/anxiety hermit mode and Covid gave me an even bigger reason to do...nothing. Okay, I read A LOT, over 400 books a year, occasionally gave feedback to publishers and authors, and walked a fair amount, but otherwise? I existed and that was it. Covid put an end to the walks and even the occasional dinner or shopping trip with my parents. It was as if I had been on pause for a few years and then Covid straight-up hit stop.  

Far too long into this “stop” I realized that I needed to do something, anything, and finally hit on going back to school. Like many, there were challenges with figuring out which hoops I needed to jump through to apply, get transcripts sent, and funding. As someone that honestly abhors dealing with blue tape or strangers thanks to anxiety it turned out to be less horrifying than I’d thought it would be.  It was a series of baby steps that I took one by one, day by day. Each hurdle, often made up in my own head, was a victory. 

So here I am, two months in, after nearly thirty years away from college, and almost thriving. There were times that I told myself that I was taking on too much and my family tells me that almost daily, but I’m getting good at shutting all of that out. The first essay caused two panic attacks and I spent the days after turning it in telling myself that I’d done it wrong and was going to fail. Only, that didn’t happen. I got an A. (insert happy dance here)  

That was the turning point for me. I could see and more importantly, feel, that all of this wasn’t too much and that I could do it. I’ve gone from doing nothing to taking things slowly and brick by brick, building something, a routine, a more hopeful attitude, and a purpose. It’s a good feeling and I can start to create larger goals. It’s a grand feeling and I’m grateful to be here.